


Rest

by letsstartagain



Series: We're Here Because We're Here [1]
Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Culmets - Freeform, M/M, discoqueens, post-1.07
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 04:06:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12645759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letsstartagain/pseuds/letsstartagain
Summary: Neither can sleep after the day's events. Both know why.





	Rest

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Ночью](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13471500) by [allayonel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/allayonel/pseuds/allayonel)



Hugh awoke groggily, sleep-fogged mind automatically straining to make out the blare of a shipwide alarm. He began to sit up, confusion and alertness seeping in simultaneously, but paused, propped up on his elbows, when he heard nothing--no siren, no stomping of boots in the corridor, no roaring hum of the shields as they prepared for hostile engagement. 

The timestrip on the wall across the room read two minutes after three in the morning, just an hour after he’d stumbled in from an egregiously overextended supervision of the disturbingly green junior officers on gamma shift. He’d quietly opened the door to their shared quarters to find Paul sprawled across his desk, dead to the world, illegible notes scrawled across the PADD beneath his limp hand.

Hugh glanced down beside him, and within the darkness of ship’s night, he lovingly made out the familiar silhouette buried against his side. Carefully, he laid back down, drawing the covers back over them both. Like a half-frozen leech sensing fresh blood, Paul wrapped a frigid hand around his chest, pulling them closer. Manfully suppressing a shudder, Hugh paused a moment, then wriggled his arm out from between them, resting his hand tenderly in Paul’s hair, gently carding his fingers through the fine, rumpled mess.

“‘m sorry,” Paul slurred after a long silence, voice muffled by the sheets, “Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t,” Hugh replied.

“Good,” Paul said, nudging Hugh’s chest with his forehead as the doctor’s hand stilled against the nape of his neck, “Don’t stop.”

Hugh tugged gently on Paul’s hair.

“Ow,” Paul mumbled.

Hugh huffed a quiet laugh. 

“Go back to sleep,” he murmured, smoothing Paul’s hair back.

Paul burrowed himself even more tightly against Hugh’s side. Hugh felt the barest whisper of his lashes flutter along his side and sank back against the pillows, staring up at the depthless ceiling as it reached away into infinite darkness above them. The silent hum of the engine lulled him into that strange, nebulous twilight between sleep and wakefulness, and he drifted interminably along imagined crests and troughs.

He only realized Paul was crying when he sniffled quietly, face pressed to the mattress.

“Paul?” Hugh said, alarmed.

“Damn it,” Paul croaked, still face-down at his side, “You’re supposed to be asleep.”

Hugh propped himself up on one elbow again, gently sliding Paul’s arm down to his waist so he could reach over and cup his cheek.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Paul said, “Not anymore.”

“Paul, please stop trying to inhale the mattress.” Hugh wedged a hand under Paul’s shoulder and turned him onto his side. “Look at me, please?”

“It’s ship’s night. What’s the point?”

“Computer,” Hugh called, “Lights to ten percent.”

A warm glow lit the room, and Hugh’s lips quirked faintly at the irritation that flickered across Paul’s face.

“Hey,” Hugh said, tenderly brushing a thumb across pale, quivering lashes, “Hey, it’s okay.”

Paul closed his eyes, dipping his chin and burying himself again in Hugh’s chest, where he remained, breath shuddering quietly, hands fisted in Hugh’s nightshirt. Hugh pressed a kiss in his hair, gnawing worry carving its way through his stomach as he rubbed his hand up and down Paul’s back.

“I love you,” Paul whispered, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Hugh replied quietly, “You know that.”

Paul twisted his hands in the fabric of Hugh’s shirt, trembling minutely with unspoken tension.

“Paul, please,” Hugh said, pulling away, “Talk to me.”

Paul shook his head, clutching Hugh’s shirt fiercely.

“It’s nothing,” he said faintly, “Nothing.”

“Paul, you’re scaring me.”

“I’m sorry. I--I’m sorry,” Paul mumbled, “I’m sorry. I--”

“-- _ Paul _ .” 

Paul jerked his head back sharply, looking Hugh in the eye with vague desperation.

“What would you do if I died?”

“What?” Hugh demanded, gripping Paul’s shoulder tightly.

“If I died, what would you do?”

“Paul, why--”

“-- _ I watched you die!” _ Paul snapped, tearing his hands away from Hugh’s damp shirt, “Over and  _ over _ and over, right in front of me, no matter what I tried to do--” Hugh closed his eyes. “--or how hard I begged you to stay here, to stay in our quarters, to, for once in your life, just run and  _ hide _ .” Feverishly, Paul turned away, kicking off the covers and standing unsteadily. “And every time--” his voice broke, and he wobbled back as Hugh sat up, “Every time  _ you  _ died, it killed me too. It broke me. Here.” He gestured frantically, fisting a hand in his own nightshirt. “Even when I knew it was coming.”

Hugh pushed the covers away and stood slowly.

“We’re in the middle of a war, Hugh!” Paul shouted. He choked out a disbelieving laugh. “How did we end up here? You’re a doctor and I study  _ fucking galactic mushrooms! _ How--why--” He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “--Soldiers  _ die _ in war, Hugh. Soldiers. People who knew what they were getting into. Not us. Not us. Not Straal. Not--” he choked, “Not you.”

Paul turned away violently, hands braced on his hips, head bowed.

Hugh reached out carefully, firmly gripping both shoulders with both hands and pulling Paul back against his chest.

“I’m sorry,”  he said quietly. Paul reached up and gripped his hands tightly, silent, shivering tears winding slowly down his face. 

“You were right,” Paul whispered, “I shouldn’t ever have agreed to this. I shouldn’t be here. We shouldn’t be here.”

Hugh said nothing, cradling Paul and rocking gently from side to side. He breathed quietly, steadily. When the frantic beating of Paul’s heart beneath their joined hands had settled, he spoke.

“I don’t know,” he said, “I think your mushrooms are pretty fucking cool.”

That startled a strangled laugh from Paul, who turned to face him, incredulity written across his face. 

“For such an irritating, arrogant man,” Hugh murmured, pressing their foreheads together, “You can be kind of sweet sometimes, you know?”

“Hugh--”

“--Paul, I knew what I was getting into when I joined Starfleet,” Hugh said firmly, “That’s  _ why  _ I joined. You know this.”

Paul looked up at him, eyes bright in the dim light.

“I love you so much,” Hugh said, “And I would do anything to keep you from getting hurt. When I can’t…” he trailed off, smoothing away both tracks of tears, “I’m sorry.”

“Stop it,” Paul muttered, pulling back and sniffling loudly, “Why are you apologizing?”

Hugh tipped his chin up with a gentle touch.

“Why are  _ you _ ?”

Paul looked away, small and tired.

“I don’t--” he swallowed, started again, “I don’t know why I’m so, so  _ worked up _ about this.”

“It happened,” Hugh said quietly, “For you, it happened. But it’s over now.” He pressed a gentle kiss to Paul’s lips. “It’s over.”

Paul said nothing. Slowly, he leaned forward and rested his chin on Hugh’s shoulder. Hugh sighed, deep and heavy, and wrapped his arms around him.

“It’s over,” Hugh murmured, “It’s all over now.”

* * *

In the muted half-light of their quarters, Hugh watched him breathe. Watched the steady rise and fall of his chest beneath his hand. Something twisted in his throat, some nameless fear for this frighteningly fragile man who had unwillingly wriggled his irascible way into his heart half a lifetime ago. He closed his eyes and planted another kiss in Paul’s hair, inhaling so deeply he hoped his lungs would burst.

Paul tightened his grip on his shirt, hands warm, alive.

**Author's Note:**

> On tumblr as [inflatablezebras](https://inflatablezebras.tumblr.com/).


End file.
